Miss Kimberley

seventeen

2012-01-25T21:37:00.007-07:00

This song reminds of the time I met you, or maybe just before, but whatever. I hear this song and I think of tall pines and busing tables and kissing in the deep, deep frost of the NWT.

I'm not sad I met you. I'm sad at how we ended because we started off so effortlessly.

We met while I was working as a very shitty waitress. I was doing the windows with newspaper and you walked up to the door. I knew I had to say something, anything, to you so I asked if your name was Brian. Of course it wasn't but I had to get you to notice me, see me. We flirted after you came in, exchanged numbers. You made my heart jump. You made me smile just thinking about you, our first date was with a friend of mine, tagging along since you were the debonair older man. She said I tried too hard.

Deciding to move back to my home province after a month or two to move in with you perhaps wasn't the wisest choice, especially on my mothers part, who gave us her complete and utter blessing. She thought I had met a decent, charming man. You mostly were. She made us dinner then left the house to us, alone, free and clear to completely ignore her hard work. We made love on a mattress on the floor in the attic. I say we made love because I thought that's what we were doing, and we were, at the time. You said I brought something out in you.

We set up camp in a small one bedroom apartment in a terrible part of town where I made terrible steak dinners and we smoked weed in the steamy bathroom where we had showers together.

The hours I waited for you to come home to me, not ever knowing that the woman you left for me was merely a few blocks away. How cozy and convenient for you. The fact that you broke up with me with a note on a torn envelope doesn't even merit to sex and city where carrie gets broken up with by Berger. What kills me is that you said sorry, and I wanted to believe you.

I saw you after, I was on the bus sitting at the back and you pulled up in the vehicle next to us. I couldn't imagine a world that cruel when it happened, as it was not long after you decided you had made a mistake. You didn't see me. And that's probably what was the problem the whole time. Your mistake.

for shame

2012-01-24T13:14:00.002-07:00

I just saw someone (thankfully, not one of MY friends) on facebook write siksteenth for sixteenth. How does that not look wrong to you, hillbilly?

blankety blank blank

2012-01-12T11:46:00.001-07:00

I have nothing to write when I'm feeeling better.
That's a good thing.

the old gray mare ain't what she used to be

2012-01-07T10:43:00.002-07:00

I'm lying in bed, waiting for the shouts that start my day. I think about errands that have to be done, chores to be started, let alone done ... I slip back to a stream of thoughts each further and further far away from my original idea. Who I used to be. How I grew up. And then grew up some more, realizing that people aren't pawns and life isn't a game with no consequences. Despite everything, all this now, all the shitty things that I've done and crazy things and WTF things, when I hear those shouts in the morning, it brings me back from whatever crevice I'm hidden in deep my mind and I'm happy with who I am.

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go

2012-01-06T20:32:00.002-07:00

Even 9 months later, I can't bring myself to go through her stuff that's been stuffed between my bed and the dresser. I took a picture of her off my fridge. For so long years ago, all I wrote about was our contentious relationship, and now I'm writing about her death. I can remember my 14 year old self saying, I don't know if I'll feel anything when she dies. how stupid.

the club can't even handle me right now

2012-01-06T16:40:00.002-07:00

OY

So ... that last plan didn't really work out that well. I mean, it did, but really not so much. And I had a big meeting this week, and people were all, hey, stop being ridiculous we love you and all that stuff. it was nice and made me feel warm. seriously. and it wasn't an intervention. it was like a therapeutic intervention. sooo I'm gonna live like a nun for awhile, calm things down and maybe try this thing called moderation and willpower.

BITCH

I have my ladytime. You've been warned.

just one more right?

2012-01-02T19:01:00.001-07:00

I have all this leftover booze at my house from a NYE party.
Might as well, right?

1,100 out of how many

2011-12-29T20:00:00.004-07:00

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

Drama, drama, drama. Don't you just wanna slap me? Jesus. It's all good but it was my first Christmas without my mom, and my siblings and I aren't close, blah blah blah. I was in a MOOD. Caps. Underlined.

ABILIFY: KEEPIN' ME SWEET

Had another meet up with my therapist who was all, hey you made it through hell week aka christmas, good job! we mentally high fived. which is appropriate i guess. i have an apppointment with my actual psychiatrist (psychologist? the one with the meds) next week and we should all be smiling around the round table, how stable and calm I am, how showered and clean looking. Organized. A contributer to society. Capable. With fresh breath. See? All i need are these man made chemicals and to slack off the ol' moonshine and in less than 2 weeks I am martha stewart.

MK, brought to you by Smirnoff and Caesars and Prescription drugs(no, really)

2011-12-26T21:19:00.005-07:00

It's only at night, after all my duties are done.
My therapist is warning me, saying I don't want to (shouldn't) go down the road that my mother and sister went down.
I can justify it anyway I want.
It's in phases, usually when I'm trying to get away from myself.
But really. We all know you can't.
I work out and work out and work out.
I make healthy dinners, read my research, play.
And at night I lay there, wondering what it is about myself I can't stand.
I could list things that are redeeming, charming, blah blah blah.
but my body doesn't lie. (much like my hips. haha)
I don't make certain chemicals.
and that fucks me up.
and it scares me.
and I am scared.

last published september 12

2011-12-23T20:15:00.004-07:00

I'm still here. Just breaking, and sometimes breaking down and putting myself back together. Perfectly dramatic. I told you about that thing, right? That diagnosis thats been driving me (even more) mad. I'm still kinda in that same place, dancing back and forth between wanting to be something else and unable to let go of self perception. anyway. i missed you. did you miss me?

2011-09-12T21:10:00.000-06:00

1,097

2011-09-11T19:16:00.005-06:00

You know, I've been up to a whole lot of fuck all lately. Unless you call drinking vodka doing something, then in that case I've been busy. I also can't type with these fucking fake nails, I don't know why I have them anyway, aren't real nails 'in'? Do I care if I'm in? No. Caring about nails takes too much effort. So what else? It's my birthday soon. I'm not sad about turning 29, I think people who haven't accomplished anything by milestone birthdays are sad. I've got quite a bit going on. Look at me, look at how awesome and fulfilled I am!

conan

2011-09-09T11:15:00.002-06:00

I have calf muscles now. Actual muscles you can see when I am not flexing, although watch out when I flex. It's all arnold up in here.

livin' the life, man

2011-09-02T13:57:00.006-06:00

THINGS I HAVE BEEN UP TO

- Running after a 21 month old.
- Exercizing.
- Sleeping.

THINGS I HAVE NOT BEEN UP TO

- Drinking wine
- Going to movies
- Generally being devious.

SHE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY

I got my old job back. Well, most of it. I'm only going back part time. YA FUCKING HOOOOOOOOO! I decided not to go with the other job since we're trying to do this without putting the boy in daycare. Sorry. Did you just die of boredom?

i needs me a high fucking five

2011-08-30T13:45:00.002-06:00

I just finished working out even though I have a nasty head cold. That's right. I am a snotty, hot mess and I still jumped on the treadmill, as I have been doing. I. AM. AWESOME.

(Somebody's gotta say it.)

well la ti da

2011-08-24T11:42:00.002-06:00

JUST DO IT

I'm going to work out now. I'm going to work out now. I'm going to work out now.
If I keep saying it, I may just jump into action, no?

MR SANDMAN

For the first time in a long motherfucking time, I dreamt of my mother and it was nice. I mean, she wasn't all zombie-like, trying to hug me, she was wearing this red dress and hugging wolfgang puck. I'm not sure why we were partying with mr. puck, but it seems a good time was had by all. And that was nice.

THINSPIRATION

let the uterine lining shedding commence

2011-08-23T21:47:00.003-06:00

I can't sleep and I'm whiny and hot and hormonal and could use a stiff caesar and a massage. I'm pretty sure I'm getting neither of those.

Dear Miss Kimberley, You're hired

2011-08-23T12:47:00.003-06:00

It seems I have forgotten to mention that I got a job offer this past week, and that I put my almost two year old in "casual care", which, as it sounds, is only three hours twice a week. THREE HOURS TWICE A WEEK. Those are amazing words. Good for him, good for me. And my eyebrows. I got them separated during all this free time this morning. Also, I joined some "mommy and me" type groups which is a little soul killing but mostly gratifying as the little dude really needs to get out more. His idea of good time so far consists of just sitting with or on me, reading. Fair enough, right? That's how I spend a fair amount of time. But I'm also turning into a social recluse who shakes her fist at the mailman for dropping the mailbox lid too loud. So, there's that. About the job offer business I'm not too sure about. I mean, I am BEYOOOOOOOOND stoked that someone out there in a hiring position thinks my brain is still intact and not completely atrophied by only changing diapers and cutting up bananas. Yay! I could be a social, contributing member of society again! (And not just by making more people.)

look both ways

2011-08-19T13:31:00.004-06:00

I was looking through my archives to try and find something to write about, like one of those blog memes where all you do is answer questions and I couldn't find any. I did find however, some good posts. I wonder what happened to that girl. You should take a peeksie. So, here we go with the proust questionnaire.

what is your favorite virtue: I think they're all overrated, but if I had to pick I'd say patience. I'm very impatient.

what are your favorite qualities in a man: physical strength, their penis, and I guess their brain.

what are your favorite qualities in a woman: honesty, charm, and for them to not be a lightweigt when it comes to drinking.

what is your chief characteristic: without a doubt, my winning personality.

what do you appreciate the most in your friends: that I can be myself around them. Even my whiny, hormonal, pissy self.

what is your main fault: I think everyrone has to be honest with me, but not vice versa.

Your favourite occupation: broadcasting.

Your idea of happiness: health, good friends, a clean house.

Your idea of misery: being poor.

If not yourself, who would you be? julia roberts.

Where would you like to live? Italy. Or Spain.

Your favourite colour and flower: red and all its varients, roses.

I'm too bored with this to finish. You wanna know more, email. HAHA.

wickedy wickedy wickedy whack

2011-08-17T08:09:00.003-06:00

THE RED ONE OR THE BLUE ONE

So I've come to the conclusion that it must be this medication that I'm on that makes me ... boring. Not able to write anything. It has to be, right? There's no way I'm not fabulous normally.

THERE ONCE WAS OH LOOK A SQUIRREL

I have zero concentration. I can usually read three books at a time (you know what I mean) and finish them all relatively quickly. Now I am rereading passages like a 95 year old because I can't remember where the fuck the plot is going. Or went. Perhaps it's the books. IT CAN'T BE ME, RIGHT?

DENIAL

Whatever. I may be a little scattered, but I have a wicked tan. You should be jealous.

SENTIMENTAL BULLSHIT

I cried when this song came on the radio while I was driving. Judge me.

2011-08-16T11:46:00.001-06:00

she sits and stares
she paints her eyes and smile
crosses her legs
and waits

like an old used up lover

2011-08-12T12:27:00.002-06:00

Thats what my blog is. I don't mean you.
I sit down in front of the computer.
I log in.
Blank.
How much can one write about not writing?

How To Annoy Me

2011-08-11T11:36:00.000-06:00

I have ideas for posts, then I log in, and POOF! Gone.

you see with your eyes you perceive with your mind

2011-08-09T12:41:00.010-06:00

the peak

2011-08-07T13:23:00.004-06:00

I just got back from vacation and I can't type worth a shit with these fake nails on. I have already corrected myself like 15 times. Anyway. Focus, Kimberley.
We went to beautiful BC. Cruised down to the states. Did some mild shopping, but now I have to buy an elliptical because everywhere I went into, the sizes were are too tight. So, yeah. Thats awesome.
I'm debating going off this (low low dose) of medication so that I can get all that energy back. Now I am just placid. Flacid. Delightful. Sure I was kinda irritable, but man could I get shit done.

2011-07-28T23:19:00.002-06:00

I'm up late. I'm up early. I can't read. Well, not for longer than a few pages. Television takes too long to watch.Do, do, do . Go, go, go. I'm antsy and tired, emotional and detached. Sad and crying one minute, jubilant and giggling the next. I wish my mind would get it's shit together.

i don't speak german but I can if you like

2011-07-23T12:47:00.002-06:00

I just got off the treadmill. i was on there for a half hour, super power walking almost jogging. Before that, I fed the boy lunch. before that, we went for a walk, and to the park. before that, i went grocery shopping, got gas, and did some banking. before that, i vacuumed my house and did laundry. before that I fed the boy breakfast. The only upside to being hypomanic is that I am suddenly superwoman, able to leap buidlings in a single bound.

coo coo ca chew, mrs robinson

2011-07-21T12:11:00.003-06:00

I know it seems like I talk about cleaning alot, but everything is relative, right? All I wanted to say is that I am a ball of efficiency this morning. Clothes shopping, grocery shopping, cleaned the kitchen, and my livingroom hardwood is sparkling. All before eleven a.m. Yes, you may high five me.

My shirt ain't got no stripes but I can make your pussy whistle

2011-07-20T13:30:00.001-06:00

the rain falls in spain how mundane

2011-07-18T07:32:00.002-06:00

I woke up with the thunder this morning. I texted the husband, who promptly asked if the house was on fire, as he wasn't here to see with his own eyes, THAT I WAS AWAKE BEFORE 7 A.M. OF MY VOLITION. Hey, man. Stranger things have happened. Like that one time I slipped while shaving my legs and cut my nipple. That was weird.

L A Z Y T O D A Y

2011-07-16T13:04:00.006-06:00

NOTHING AT ALL

I am incredibly unmotivated this afternoon. So much so, I can't possibly do my chores. I went out to the market this morning ... That counts for something, right?

HOW ABOUT AN HJ ON THE WAY BY?

The concert was prefectly lovely. Although I could have done without the 'cattle like' gathering situtation & ridiculous beer line. Oh, and that guy who whispered that oh so alluring love nugget in my direction while squeezing by.

MORNING SERENADE

black eyeliner, red frames

2011-07-14T13:02:00.002-06:00

I'm so fucking excited to go see this concert. I'm going to do my hair. My makeup. Cleopatra styles tonight I think. My house is reasonably clean. Yardwork done. It's time for momma to let her hair down.

slow clap

2011-07-13T19:58:00.001-06:00

I just finished mowing the lawn. Amid thousands of mosquitos. I am a productive member of society. I MOW MY LAWN, MOTHERFUCKAZ

tuesday's fool

2011-07-12T11:31:00.003-06:00

It's come to this. Blogging about weather.
It's driving me insane, all the rain and suddenly agressive mosquito action.
This means we stay indoors.

Normally inside is not such a bad deal. Cuddles on the couch.
cartoons. Snacks.
Too much of that translates into too much time for thinking, and
not doing.
That's what's really killing me.

friend request denied

2011-07-11T11:37:00.001-06:00

How weird is it that my dad found me on facebook? Not even a message with the request. Uh, no.

On a star beyond the chart

2011-07-09T19:39:00.000-06:00

nothing to see here

2011-07-08T12:28:00.001-06:00

Here I am, just being June Cleaver. No worries.

facts

2011-07-07T20:57:00.006-06:00

Bipolar II disorder (pronounced "bipolar two") is a form of mental illness. Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time. However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-on mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania.

During a hypomanic episode, elevated mood can manifest itself as either euphoria (feeling "high") or as irritability.

Symptoms during hypomanic episodes include:

Flying suddenly from one idea to the next
Rapid, "pressured," and loud speech
Increased energy, with hyperactivity and a decreased need for sleep

People experiencing hypomanic episodes are often quite pleasant to be around. They can often seem like the "life of the party" - making jokes, taking an intense interest in other people and activities, and infecting others with their positive mood.

Hypomania can also lead to erratic and unhealthy behavior. People in hypomanic episodes might spend money they don't have, seek out sex with people they normally wouldn't, and engage in other impulsive or risky behaviors.

Also, the vast majority of people with bipolar II disorder experience significant depressive episodes. These can occur soon after hypomania subsides, or much later. Some people cycle back and forth between hypomania and depression, while others have long periods of normal mood in between episodes. Untreated, an episode of hypomania can last anywhere from a few days to several years. Most commonly, symptoms continue for a few weeks to a few months.

Depressive episodes in bipolar II disorder are similar to "regular" clinical depression, with depressed mood, loss of pleasure, low energy and activity, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide.

People with bipolar I disorder experience true mania - a severe, abnormally elevated mood with erratic behavior. Manic symptoms lead to serious disruptions in life, causing legal or major personal problems. In bipolar II disorder, the symptoms of elevate mood never reach full-on mania. Bipolar II can be thought of as a milder form of bipolar disorder.

source

I'm too lazy to post other links. You get the idea.

T minus 1.5 hours

2011-07-07T12:13:00.000-06:00

I am so nervous I am going to throw up.

bulletpoints with butterfly wings

2011-07-06T20:06:00.002-06:00

my hands and fingers are swollen miss piggy styles after eating a spicy Italian sub. i am an old lady who retains water.

my bad decisions that i was talking about earlier were not 'crazy' crazy, everything is relative, right? so deciding to get black out drunk twice in one weekend (including completely sober companions who were watching) is not, as my girl Martha says, " a very good thing."

the other thing i wasn't really talking about was what my therapist (note: not my actual psychiatrist) said. she thinks I have bipolar II disorder. hypomania. awesome. i have a meeting/appointment with the both of them tomorrow. i may or may not end up telling them both to go fuck themselves. which doesn't help the diagnosis, eh?

I'm not kidding. And it really has me freaked out, but after reading up on it -- IT EXPLAINS SOOO MANY THINGS. And in some cases, kinda clears me on some activities when I was younger. See? I'm not just an asshole to people. I was crazy! I was/am a crazy asshole. Whatever. At least I'm trying to learn about myself, and not being in denial and cancelling all appointments like I was tempted to.

That's all kids. It's just all possible hypomania up in here.

sun is shining

2011-07-06T12:15:00.001-06:00

doo wop

2011-07-05T11:44:00.001-06:00

While supposedly enjoying some free time today, I found myself choosing to do some cleaning rather than masturbate or read, which obvisouly are two things I'd rather do than most anything. Next I will be grooving to the oldies.

consequences

2011-07-04T17:04:00.002-06:00

I've been making some bad decisions lately. One of them may be that I'm weaning myself off of this one medication (under medical supervision). But this is not like that movie, garden state, or like girl, interrupted. well, maybe a little more winona than natalie. anyway. I'm starting to see some behavioral patterns that aren't really benefiting me at all. Others have noticied it to. But does this mean that I must be labelled something? Can't all these shitty decisions mean I'm just ... impulsive?

I. AM. CANADIAN.

2011-07-01T11:14:00.002-06:00

Happy Canada Day.

"the crazy ones never think they're crazy"

2011-06-30T12:59:00.001-06:00

A direct quote from my therapist. Professional? Not sure. true? Absolutely.

number oneing with my number two

2011-06-29T11:21:00.003-06:00

Everyone in my house is sick. I guess you just can't fight these things when everyone is touching the same things, inadvertent kisses (sometimes just kissing him is a thoughtless act, I just do it), putting dishes away. I shudder to think how we got this bug, where were we, was it the interac pinpad blah blah blah. It's best not to entertain these thoughts.
Today is the first day in a while where I feel I can reign in the thoughts and write something coherent, and yet it doesn't matter what I am writing, as long as its in complete sentence format. This is what's important to me. Format. Order. Lineage. Everything has a place, proper comma use, order order order throw it out the window.

what

2011-06-28T12:16:00.005-06:00

write as if no one is reading

2011-06-26T12:04:00.002-06:00

Normally I do. Thats why I shut comments off, and I only respond to the nice emails. Not that I get so many. The ones who say I'm writing shit and should quit posting videos - stop reading then assholes. Anyway.I had an idea when I logged on to write about something and now its gone out of my head. Makes sense. I've been kinda kooky lately. Apparently, not so kooky to be worried about, but not not worried either. Please don't worry.Everything's fine, I have all the energy in the world, lets workout then go for a walk then make exhaustive lists of things to do then not accomplish them and feel like, wtf was the point of THAT, lets just stay in bed and read and not even read just stare and try and try to remember what I was thinking.

meeting the checklist

2011-06-25T13:22:00.001-06:00

There's nothing worse than reading a blog, and someone telling you they can't tell you whats happening. Uh, I can tell you that I tried to make myself throw up but I can't tell you this other thing? Lame.

truth or stupid

2011-06-24T13:19:00.003-06:00

So, I just tried to throw up. As in, on purpose for the first time ever. It was a fail. Not even an epic fail. I ate too much of something, being greedy, and I thought, "Hey, Kimberley. You can get rid of it." So I tried to puke. Turns out I'm not good at it. It didn't happen right away so I just quit. See? I don't have the willpower to be bulimic.

come together

2011-06-21T12:21:00.004-06:00

Am I too old to start my sentences with "Dudes!"? Anyway. I'm good, how are YOU? I know, it's been too long. Can't help it, I've been on an arc, just chilling, hanving dreams about that ginger, Casey, from this past American Idol. Yes, I know, so sad. Things are happpening, things are changing, and yet I can't summon enough give a fuck to write about them. But I still love you. Don't ever worry about that.

lighten the fuck up

2011-06-16T12:35:00.003-06:00

Judge away, haterz.

It's ok to go

2011-06-14T12:57:00.004-06:00

Last night I broke down in tears while in bed.
I miss my mother.
Never something I'd be, suddenly distraught and aching and then
unconcious.
I woke up this morning with swollen eyes.
She was all I dreamt about, faux funeral and death rattles.
I told her while holding her hand, go.
it's ok to go.
I hope she does.

BREAKING NEWS:

2011-06-12T19:57:00.001-06:00

Ground & pound, rear naked choke aren't nearly as sexy as they sound.

poot poot poot

2011-06-09T13:35:00.003-06:00

I just finished working out. Put on makeup. Gonna do my hair. Looking like its gonna be fun in the sun! How much more retarteded can I make this sound? I've been busy (so clearly I'm too cool to blog anymore) getting my flowers done, garden partying, and did I mention working out? I think I'm officially addicted. But not in that, do it everyday without hesitation and get results way, right? Oh, sadly, I'm only half way there.

crazy x two

2011-06-05T20:13:00.003-06:00

My brother will be residing with me for the next little while.
This is going to be extremely bad for my liver.

how you spell miss kimberley = B O R I N G T W A T

2011-06-03T12:06:00.009-06:00

I am post PMS and blah and bloated. Don't you love it when I talk about my ladytime? I crave salty things. No? You don't care? Insert preemptive 'fuck you' here.

It's raining and I have no inspiration to work out. I have a comfy bed and new books awaiting in my bedroom. I have bad things to eat in my cupboard. No no no.

I went to a U2 concert this week, which is probably the date night for the whole year and (surprise) got a wee bit drunk and had a drunkndial once I got home and admitted too many things and got all emotional and I hate when I let my gaurd down like that, even with friends. Like, buck up and hold it in even when it's burtsing to come out of you. I cried. So, that was fun. The vodka breath the next morning wasn't. And, I guess the show was ok.

go back under the bridge and eat a goat

2011-05-26T12:49:00.003-06:00

I was ashamed of my feet today. We went to a read & sing a long this morning and I wore sandals.

Normally, not such a big deal. Except this time, my toenails are long and nasty from cruising around barefoot all spring. Oh, the horror, right? I'm not kidding. The other moms were simply aghast, I could tell.

the war on the floor

2011-05-24T22:24:00.002-06:00

I'm reading Room. I'm cheating on all my other forms of entertainment simply to devour it. So fucking good.

cinderella

2011-05-23T12:09:00.002-06:00

Today is rainy and mellow, and all I can think about is all the cleaning in my house I have to do. It seems like at least one third of my waking hours are spent cleaning. Delightful. This post brought to you by the shit that was never given about reading this.

meme so lazy

2011-05-22T19:11:00.002-06:00

FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE
maid (fired)
fast food worker (should have been fired)
lumber yard wood piler (surprisingly awesome job at the time)
waitress (quit before I was fired)

FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER (the pms edition)
Beaches (shut up, judger)
It's Complicated
Mr & Mrs Smith
Pretty Woman

FOUR PLACES YOU'VE LIVED
Busby
Pickardville
Manola
Jarvie

FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH (currently on-air)
True Blood
Secret Diary of a Callgirl
The Good Wife
Inside the Actors Studio

FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION
Mexico
Los Angeles
Dominican Republic
Vancouver

FOUR WEB SITES YOU VISIT DAILY
I am too lazy to type links. Look on my sidebar, genius.

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS
Cheese Tortellini
Burritos
Homemade garden salads
chicken wings

FOUR PLACES YOU'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW
in a jacuzzi in a NYC penthouse suite
on top of brad pitt
Italy
on my yacht in the Mediterranean

an update on nothingness

2011-05-18T12:05:00.003-06:00

I'm back.

Just like I said, I cruised in the sunshine, through mountains and hoodoos, on highways and gravel roads. There is something about hotel beds that I really dig, especially the luxurious ones with the pillowtops. Sometimes I demand one all to myself to spread eagle in. By myself. Not like that. I try not to think about bedbugs and cum stains and whatever else happens when you sleep in a bed that hundreds of others have slept in, and - ok. Enough of that train of thought.

dusty foot philosopher

2011-05-11T13:14:00.000-06:00

I'm going to be hitting the highway this weekend.

I'm going to see some in-laws, roam the mountains under a bright sun, and drink Kokanee light. God bless BC.

summertime and the living is easy

2011-05-10T12:18:00.021-06:00

desperate ho's

2011-05-09T13:33:00.005-06:00

WIN & FAIL I just finished two of the most irritating on my domestic duty sheet. My hands are red and irritated from the easy off. Shut up, I didn't wear the gloves. I couldn't find any. Besides, I'm a rebel like that - I clean unprotected. LOST THE PLOT My PVR is still full of shows, and one that I have and am going to delete more of is Desperate Housewives. I have been watching that show for years, I think since second season, but ANYWAY I stopped watching because teri hatcher's character was undergoing dialysis blah blah blah it was too much. Too sad for me right now. And, of course you're wondering, I'm most like Gabrielle. uh surprise. MONDAY, MONDAY Yesterday was mother's day and I was disgustingly hung over. I had kinda planned it that way, the day before I was a miserable wreck and somehow twistedly figured it would be perfect to actually BE just as miserable and oh my god. all i'm going to say is prosseco is the best and worst thing to drink. Lovely stemware, but killer headache. Granted, I drank more than my fair share. And honestly, I didn't even think of it as my mother's day too, I just was so focused on you know what (what am I, 11?) and I had been invited a few places. but really ... I just wanted to hibernate. But now that's over. Thank God.

you & i alone and high

2011-05-07T16:01:00.008-06:00

Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...

repeat

2011-05-07T00:52:00.002-06:00

wagon sunshine wine

2011-05-04T12:02:00.002-06:00

I bought my son a wagon. We will walk in the Sunshine. I may even take a walk to the ol' liqorstore (I am classy like that) and buy my favourite wine that is only available in cans. Also classy. Is it classy if I pop one on the way home? C'mon. It'll be sunny. And after two pm. DAYTIME PARTY WHAAAAAAAAT

milestone

2011-05-03T12:32:00.002-06:00

today marks one month since my mothers death

desperate times call for desperate measures

2011-05-02T14:10:00.009-06:00

The batteries in my Wii fit board died. I could only find three replacement ones, so I did what any efficient, independent woman would do - I took a battery from my vibrator.

www.marriedtothesea.com

I've got two weeks left. Guess I'll have to kick it old school and do it manually.

surprise! sadness

2011-05-02T11:51:00.002-06:00

I was the financial power of attorney for my mom. I went and logged in, thinking there was close to no money in there. turns out she got one last payment. seeing that money on the screen is making me cry. this is the most I have cried in a month.

mantra

2011-04-30T14:55:00.002-06:00

I will get up and exercise first thing in the morning. (snooze, ONCE)
I will eat the yogurt and cottage cheese and vegetables I bought as snacks. (sigh)
I will not drink wine or beer. (sad face)
I will resist the urge to weigh myself more than once a week. (Wii doesn't count)
I am worth it. (I am)

cool as ice

2011-04-29T13:55:00.001-06:00

When I am cleaning the hardwood floor in my living room, I yell "HURRY HARD!" in my head.

henry harry whatever i will be your boleyn

2011-04-28T21:49:00.009-06:00

everybody look whats going down

2011-04-27T13:02:00.004-06:00

APRIL MIGHT BE MY LEAST FAVOURITE MONTH

Dude. You would not believe what happened last night. Suffice to say it involved frantic phone calls and police. And her. The intervention one. I'm sure the universe is testing me. Like that dude on Survivor.

I'LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET

So, in addition to my (MIA today) exercise regime, I've started this "metabolism enhancer". I have lost way more than I thought I would, initially. I don't care if it's water weight or the fact that I am more reguar, like a goddamn clock. Honestly - don't care.

here comes the sun

2011-04-25T13:21:00.002-06:00

I am heading out today, to be all walk-y and fit in the sunshine with a friend of mine. We're going to cruise the river valley with our cute babies and SUV-strollers and designer shades and sun dried hair. Well, I will anyway. Hope your day is going to be as kickass as mine.

one and two and three and four

2011-04-23T13:36:00.007-06:00

Dudes. I am a work out machine. I have to brag somewhere, and this is where it all comes out. Plus, if you're like me and talk about your poo, you're going to love this. I am eating way more fruits and vegtables, boiled eggs, green tea ... I have never number oned and number twoed (yes those are my words) so much! I also got come benefibre. We'll see how that works out. In addition to all my get fit ways, I am doing yard work and chasing after a toddler and walking and blah blah blah don't you hate me by now? Now all I have to do is KEEP DOING IT. Things I repeat in my head:
More water
More green tea
I do not have to consume everything put in front of me
I control my body, not some cosmic force that wants me to eat cupcakes (although it would be sweet to have something to blame that on)
Only (insert number here) to go, feel the burn, hold it hold it hold it
I have also developed a deep hatred for a move called the jackknife.

When I lay in bed on my stomach, I can feel the stretch like never before.
LO AND BEHOLD, THERE BE MUSCLES!

sweaty bra optional

2011-04-21T21:07:00.002-06:00

Your workout yoga pants can also double as excellent lounging about pants, since you may become exhausted and not want to move for a little bit. Or for the rest of the afternoon.

as long as I live my baby you'll be

2011-04-20T19:32:00.004-06:00

I'm trying to put him to bed, it's been a long ass day and all I can think of is going to my basement and zoning out while watching survivor or american idol, anything really. He's had a great day, playing at the park and truck rides and playing and running and basically everything we do everyday. but still. I'm sad. This has been creeping up on me, the actual sadness and longing and regret. all day and for this past week, I've been struggling. I go into his room to calm him down, pick him up and carry him in my arms and rock back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. i want to remember this moment forever, before life or anything can take this absolute love away from me. i kiss him on the cheek, and in the darkness of his room, he finds my cheek and kisses me back.

ATTN: Miss KimberleyRe: Referrals

2011-04-19T13:25:00.005-06:00

YAWN

I was going to do a list of the crazy referrals to my blog, but then I realised how much work that would be. I am not interested. You however might be surprised about how many European visitors check me out. Ha, see? Check me out. Unfortunately, most click off when they realise I'm not the cross-dressing dominatrix. Orrr am I?

I AM ON FIRE WITH NORMALCY

I just painted my nails "Rapid Red". It might not seem like much to you, but its been a long while since I gave a shit about my fingernails. I tweezed what was quickly becoming a unibrow. Moisturised. Got my oil changed (very early) this morning. Sadly, that's not a euphemism. Don't you think this is fascinating? Oh yes, Kimberley! You are accomplished & organised.

painted ladies

2011-04-18T14:06:00.003-06:00

SKIRTS AND SHORTS I'm debating buying some tanning minutes. I always love it when my skin is warm and golden-y, plus the Vitamin D. Don't like the future wrinkles. I once knew a woman who looked like tarred leather from fake n baking. Of course, she was a cautionary tale. But what will one do for vanity? If you're me, almost anything. BLACK & WHITE CHECKERED I am feeling especially domestic today, having already done my cleaning. Oh, look at me and my energetic efficiency! Washed the truck, kitchen, etc etc. I am a desperate housewife. Well, at least until seven-thirty. ON KEEPING SWEET Sometimes it may be a challenge, so don't forget to look for the capsules!

my thighs hurt and not from anything good

2011-04-17T13:59:00.011-06:00

Well, working out is technically good for you.

I keep repeating all those cliches - no pain no gain (although this is the opposite of what I want) and now I can't think of any others because my mind is stunned from the fact I got up out of bed from my intended nap and got on the treadmill & used my Wii fit routine which is a mix of yoga and strength training.

Whatever, at least I'm doing something what are YOU doing? And, just so you know, I am excellent at lunges.

rrrancho relaxxxo

2011-04-14T13:29:00.005-06:00

IN A LAND WITH NO NAPS

Where to begin? I haven't really relaxed since the end of January. After a stupidly rough month and a bit, I'm slowly going into recovery mode. Everyday it was 20 things to do, run around, no sleep, crying jags. Awesome. But it's gonna change. Yesterday I had THE most epic nap ever. Then a great sleep last night. Had a mellow playful morning, my boy is so sweet. Since it's april and spring is a myth right now, it snowed so much I don't have to go anywhere. After shovelling snow this morning (shitty) I had a deliciously hot shower (yay). I'm in my pajamas. I have a super long massage booked for tomorrow afternoon. It's going to be amazing.

LOVE LETTER

Dear Sleep & Low Blood Pressure,
Oh, how I've missed you. Please stay awhile.

Love,
Kimberley

tuesday's musings

2011-04-12T20:07:00.002-06:00

I wonder if my therapist has a blog or diary, or if she writes about me. I told her today she reminds me of P!nk. And if it weren't all horror movie premise, I would totally be her friend in real life. Or out of the office. Whatever.

distraction action

2011-04-11T22:11:00.004-06:00

alone allllone aaaaalone oh shut up already

2011-04-11T10:40:00.004-06:00

My dude went out of town today, for like, a super long time. I guess it's not too bad. I mean, I'm doing ok. i've been saying goodbye to her for almost all my life (no joke) so this is kinda like, ok, so ... what now? I have no planning, errands, phone calls. it's just me and the baby and my thoughts after his bedtime. yesterday it was a week since she died, and today I am a little sad but mostly nostalgic for good times and the way she hugged me. Also? On a good note? I have a shitload of shows PVR'd and I plan on spending some serious time with my 65 inch television.

saturday is taking forrrrreevvvverrrr

2011-04-08T20:04:00.002-06:00

Everything is done.
I should be an event planner.
Well, if I cared this much about arranging things over and over again I'd die of a heart attack.
I'm shutting my phones off as of Sunday.
Quite appropriate.
Day of rest, indeed.

you'll never shine alone

2011-04-07T13:15:00.001-06:00

In the distance
Light years from tomorrow
But far beyond yesterday
She is watching
Heart aching with sorrow
She is broken, as she waits
Hoping that when all is said and done, we learn to love and be as one

Oh Starlight
Don’t you cry we’re gonna make it right
Before tomorrow
Oh Starlight
Don’t you cry we’re going to find a place where we belong (where we belong)
And so you know
You’ll never shine alone

There are shadows sleeping on the horizon
That leaves us scared and so afraid
As the fall out of a world divided
It brings her tears and so much pain
And so we take cover from the dark
Hoping to find where we can start

Oh Starlight
Don’t you cry we’re gonna make it right
Before tomorrow
Oh Starlight
Don’t you cry we’re going to find a place where we belong (where we belong)
And so you know
You’ll never shine alone
Starlight, we’ll find a place where we belong (where we belong)

You will see as the mountains fall and turn to dust
That there’s one thing that won’t change
I believe there’s something within each of us that always stays
That will always remain as long as love never fades

She is watching, heart aching with sorrow
She is broken, as she waits

With a graveyard tan carrying a cross cause it doesn't remind me of anything

2011-04-06T23:51:00.004-06:00

It's true. It's all paperwork from here. I (we) am (are) thisclose to sewing up details for the upcoming event. I'm keeping sweet (thanks abilify). cremation authorization. food. drinks. supplies. condiments. tobacco. singers. drummers. hymns. prayers (more money). memorial cards. thank you cards. frames. photos. black & white. turquoise. royal blue. doves.

This is what i was (waiting) thinking about (for) for the past ... forever.
I just have to make it through this week.

this is the end/beautiful friend

2011-04-04T12:12:00.001-06:00

She died last night.

breathe in breathe out

2011-04-01T11:34:00.004-06:00

I'm going to change the name of this blog to "doesn't your life seem so much better" or maybe change my bio to say 'I have a love/hate relationship with my Mother. Also, I'm sad'.
I am a walking anxiety attack.
I know, you're sick of this too, right?

sorry seems to be the hardest word

2011-03-31T13:48:00.002-06:00

All I'm really doing is making through the day, waiting waiting waiting. Fielding calls and either lying completely about what's going on, or trying to be honest even though I'm not exactly whats going to go down. She'll die, of course. But when? She's already become something of a medical miracle.
The therapist & I are making some good ground, how not to turn this into something about me, even though thats the fucking point of me going there, how I'M affected. Whatever. It's coming along, and I know I'll be calling her whenever, having completely lost my shit.
My mother and I have not talked about all the crazy shit of our relationship, through the years and now. I heard a shitty song this morning that reminded me of being in the NWT, at a forestry look out with her, my sister, her boyfriend, and the forestry guy. It was a beautiful hot summer day, no clouds whatsoever in the clear blue sky, lush green pines surrounding us and the log cabin. We (minus the mom) smoked a few joints and drank some beers, sat at a picnic table and just had the best mellow conversations and laughed and it just felt so comfortable. when you feel right in your skin? The next morning I climbed up the huge lookout post however many meters in the sky - it was breathtaking and amazing and one of the best memories I have. I wanted to cry when I heard that stupid song, but then I decided to just be happy for the experience behind it.

The city goes to bed/And I can live inside my head

2011-03-27T13:45:00.005-06:00

Miss Kimberley presents: Swingin' Sounds to Strip To - The Teenage Edition

2011-03-26T12:21:00.007-06:00

As per one reader - it's time to share "my terrible taste in music". This is what I was listening (and wooing teenage and not so teenage boys with) to back in the day. Because I'm "old school". Read: old.

This was ... around 13 or 14. I made out with a boy on a couch to this. I liked his friend better.

A little later, maybe the next year? It's kinda hazy because of all the weed I was smoking at the time.

Oooh man. Let me tell you: good memories. Good, good, good memories. But this is not that kind of blog. Or is it?

On my first trip to Mexico with my then boyfriend, I had this song on a mix cd I bought. This song + El presidente + tequila + hot steamy locale = awesome.

I'm embarrassed.

OMG. Junior high: I was in love with a high school dude. Why was he hanging with young girls? I don't know, but I loved that fact at the time. Flash forward: He was partially bald and served me at the liquor store checkout sometime a couple years ago. What a keeper I missed out on.

I got down with myself a few times to this. Ladies are doin' it for themselves, yo.

Even now I feel .. slightly uncomfortable listening to this, and slightly, um, 'ready to go'. Ya know? I also used to listen to this with headphones on because I didn't want anyone to know I was entertaining such thoughts.

Let's switch it up a bit ok?
Smoking up outside the bar and acting like an idiot on the dance floor.

Aaand, furthering the idiot action by grinding with my lady friends, and some I didn't know. Nobody knew the title of this song.

After your death you will be what you were before your birth

2011-03-24T21:34:00.004-06:00

It's my worst fear come true - I am the emotional vampire who sighs heavily when you ask how I am.
I'm the one who does nothing but talk about my feelings, how sad I am, how not sad I am, how I'm dealing.
Me me me me me poor me.
I know. Kimberley, the circumstances.
Doesn't mean that i accept that for myself. About myself.
What's super sad about the whole fucking thing is, I am only now realizing that this has been going on for a good long while.
I thought it was in the rearview, but it turns out I wasn't even going anywhere.
While I was making more arrangements this morning, one lady commented, "You're very prepared for this."
I wanted to say you have no idea.

your eyes are mine

2011-03-23T23:07:00.003-06:00

Wow. Felt super weird this morning hearing that Elizabeth Taylor died. Hope that's not a fucking omen. Although, really, it kind of is, that's why I posted this/that.
When my mother was younger, everyone said that's who she was most like, in terms of lovers and husbands and drama and looks. That's both awesome and terrible.
And where I got my terrible skew on men.
I talked to her today. She is all laboured breathing and slight confusion & wanting to go through personal mementos. I really don't know if I can handle that, but at the same time, I just can't let photos and everything be thrown away.
These days I am swollen eyed and heavy hearted.
All I've been dreaming about is her and my non existent father and I'm embarrassed because I wish I had more and that my little boy would have the grandparents he deserves.
I'm pissed that I cant control all of this.
I'm sad that this is actually happening and at the same time its like, holy Jesus, just get it done already.
I've made "arrangements".
Now I'm just waiting.
So is she.

So the walls came tumbling down/And your love's a blown out candle

2011-03-22T23:39:00.006-06:00

Münchausen and beyond

2011-03-17T14:03:00.004-06:00

She quit dialysis. I don't know if she means it or what, but the consequences of that are fatal. I wake up with my jaw clenched, I can't sleep. I would like to be anywhere but in my head. I would like to no longer be a prisoner of someone else's choices. Or, I would like to stop making myself a prisoner of someone else's choices. I read the handouts on relaxation and other ways to figure out anxiety from my therapist, but it all seems like I'm reading the same line over and over and I just can't remember it anyway. I can't deny that I wish this was all over already.

UPDATE: I'm not on a bridge. Relax.

from deep under the blankets

2011-03-16T12:20:00.000-06:00

Aah, look at all the lonely people
Aah, look at all the lonely people

Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from ?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong ?

Father McKenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near.
Look at him working. Darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there
What does he care?

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

Aah, look at all the lonely people
Aah, look at all the lonely people

Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

innamoramento

2011-03-14T23:51:00.012-06:00

Tonight I watched An Education, and had a few glasses of wine. Oh god, what a relief to sit and veg and enjoy something which I don't have to read. But wow, it was kinda like, see kimberley! you were only one of a few naive hopeful girls in the world. but i guess that's why it was such a beloved film - fuckin half the world could relate.

I had the feeling that even if I had watched this while in the throes of one of my many inappropriate romances, I would have thought, "she's just not committed. you could have convinced anyone, everyone, that loving you was the only option." That shouldn't always be the case, there, Kimberley.

God, what I would say if I ran into past interests.

"I was lying when I said I'm incredibly selfish - I was only seeing how far you'd actually take this."

"You got off lucky dude. Sadly for me, in more ways than one."

"No one has complimented on my pubic hair since you!"