It's only at night, after all my duties are done.
My therapist is warning me, saying I don't want to (shouldn't) go down the road that my mother and sister went down.
I can justify it anyway I want.
It's in phases, usually when I'm trying to get away from myself.
But really. We all know you can't.
I work out and work out and work out.
I make healthy dinners, read my research, play.
And at night I lay there, wondering what it is about myself I can't stand.
I could list things that are redeeming, charming, blah blah blah.
but my body doesn't lie. (much like my hips. haha)
I don't make certain chemicals.
and that fucks me up.
and it scares me.
and I am scared.